every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I feel it
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D