Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.