Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
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u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.