My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
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Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
The sacred texts.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.