I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
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[shakes fist at other fist]
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
scared to check what name she chose
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
my mom making me talk to relatives
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus