[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.