You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My life in a nutshell
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.