My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
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Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Monday Lisa
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”