If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
You Might Also Like
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.