One of my husband鈥檚 friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 馃槀馃槆
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For when Tinder doesn鈥檛 work
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Alien: this planet sucks I don鈥檛 know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I鈥檓 going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog鈥his is the only way now.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[son on his wedding day] dad what鈥檚 the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there鈥檚 always bananas in the house] her smile
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone