Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
no such thing as a dumb question
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”