[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
You Might Also Like
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News