Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I created you as mosquito food.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Need this in my life lol
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.