You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
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Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware