Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
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I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Stop it! 😂
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.