[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
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Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up