Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”