Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
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Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
gm
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?