My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
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[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
same energy
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.