‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant