Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
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Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about