Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.