Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
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“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.