a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
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Why is this me 😫
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle