I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
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8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
stop
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.