You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what