If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
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Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
October already? What’s next? November????
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Donkey Kong sommelier
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too