*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
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[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.