The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
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Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
My Sentiments Exactly
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.