Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
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Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My favorite type of men is ramen.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Bond. Trauma bond.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit