Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
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Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…