It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
You Might Also Like
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!