How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
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Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?