I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
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*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.