Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
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My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn