“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
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If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.