By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
You Might Also Like
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
True freaking story!
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra