The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.