I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
mariah carrie
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I need this for my side hustle.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Phonetics
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.