I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
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His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
just gave your address to some spiders
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]