“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
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I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.