There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
That was easy.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
oppen heimer style lol
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”