Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
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“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.