Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Now, where’s the sport in that?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids