Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
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It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.