You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
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[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.