What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
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*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Left at a local drug store…
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Breaking news:
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?