Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Seems legit
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.