I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Favourite diary entry ever
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.