Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”